Skip to main content

Elderly, Disabled Parents? Just Pony Up!

That’s what a social worker and one of my parents’ neighbors say I ought to be doing. “Pony up” is the term the busybody neighbor used--the one who brings high-carb dishes to my diabetic parents. Let’s see how this might work in real life.

My parents live out in the suburbs; I work downtown and live halfway in between. I have a full-time job and a 45-minute commute each way. Certain times of the year (like last week), I work long hours to meet deadlines. I have 138 hours of paid time off I need to take. There’s also my house, yard and dog to take care of.

So every morning, I’ll jump in my car at 6:00, get my parents’ breakfast and make sure they’ve taken all their pills. Oh wait, they’re not up then. I’ll just water their yard.

At 7:00, I’ll leave to go downtown, park, and walk to the office. At 10, I’ll call my parents and ask what pills they’ve taken. If they’re out of something, I’ll get their prescription at lunch, fix their meal, drive back downtown, pay for another parking space, and walk back to the office, half an hour late. After work, I’ll do whatever they need help with (laundry, bathing, cooking, errands, etc.), check their pills, and put them to bed. Then I’ll go to McDonald’s for my first meal of the day. All of this is in addition to taking them to appointments in the middle of the day and jumping out of bed to help my parents with any midnight emergencies.I might as well sell my house and quit my job. I’d never be home except to sleep and shower and I’d miss too much work to stay employed.

Or I could just stick them in a nursing home. That’s the phrase most people use-- “stick them in a nursing home--” as if you can make someone go there, free of charge. Every dollar of my take-home pay wouldn’t cover the cost of one of my parents to live in a nursing home. You know, one of those places where my mother was assaulted and my father was put on statins.

Maybe I exaggerate about what some people expect, but what am I supposed to do about my parents keeping their medical appointments and taking their pills? Or falling during a midnight trip to the bathroom? My mother doles out the pills, and she knows what they’re supposed to take. I don’t. They hire help to mow the lawn, bathe them and run errands. I can take them to some medical appointments, but I need advance notice, and I’ve told my mother she needs to plan ahead now that they depend on others for a ride. I also advise my mother on diet and diabetes medications, which is more than her doctor has done. Following my advice, my mother has healed enough to resume taking metformin, reduce her dosage of insulin, lose weight, and see more normal blood sugars. Where were all the do-gooders all the times my mother was slumped over in a carb coma? (Their busybody neighbor probably brought over the carb-bomb that did it.)

And what about my parents’ wishes? They want to stay in their home as long as they can. My mother was in a nursing home for a long time while she recuperated from back surgery and she doesn’t want to go back and my father feels the same way. They don’t want me to get in trouble at work or spend my life’s savings supporting them. My parents aren’t senile and they’re not hurting anyone. The best course of action I can think of is to help them as I’m able in ways they want to be helped.

Comments

JanKnitz said…
People who have not been through this have no clue! Hang in there. If your parents can possibly afford a geriatric care manager, I highly recommend it. That's someone who can be of enormous help to you to help your parents stay in their home by assessing function and needs, coordinating care and providing the assistance that makes life easier--and they know the local resources so not everything has to come out of anyone's pocket (i.e. local paratransit to get them places).
Val said…
Hmmm, I think the phrase she may be implying is "Cowboy Up"...
But I'm in a similar boat, Lori - sandwiched between elderly parents, teenaged son, my business, my farm & oh yeah, somewhere in there is a poor neglected husband (#2) so I'd best quit surfing the Internet & give him some small measure of attn... Hang in there!
Galina L. said…
You are doing a great job caring about your parents . Unfortunately, my mom lives way too far.
I would absolutely confront anyone who has a habit to bring carb bombs to my mom if she were a diabetic.
Lori Miller said…
Thanks, Jan. I'll look into it next week when I have a few days off.
Lori Miller said…
Thanks, Val. I can only imagine what it's like to have that much responsibility.

It's curious how many people (usually women) assume that I can see them in the middle of the day during the work week at the drop of a hat. As Jan said, "no clue."
Lori Miller said…
Thanks, Galina. I'm glad my parents live close by.

This neighbor is helpful in other ways, so I don't want to offend her. And it's not the custom in my family to intervene in situations like this.
tess said…
hang in there, Lori! i can see it's hard.... :-(

not that i'm suggesting a change, but both my mother and MIL moved out of their houses to apartment-style "retirement communities" and they love it. it's been a compromise between living on their own with all the responsibilities of home-ownership, and getting some cooking and housekeeping help along with extra social life.
Lori Miller said…
Thanks, Tess. That's what my mom would like to do if my father died. Even if they moved to my neighborhood, it would be better. They'd be close to two hospitals, a gazillion doctors, and a bus stop, but they don't want to leave their house.
Never an easy situation, and what suits one family is not necessarily right for another. You must hang in there and as you said in your last sentence "The best course of action I can think of is to help them as I’m able in ways they want to be helped."

Take care

All the best Jan
Lori Miller said…
Thanks, Jan.

Popular posts from this blog

Fermented bread and butter pickle recipe ft. L. Plantarum

After Dr. Davis said the other night that  L. plantarum  may reduce some of the effects of the herbicide glyphosate (which is everywhere), I'm re-running my recipe for fermented bread and butter pickles. Pickling cucumbers naturally have  L. plantarum  bacteria on them, and fermenting them with some brown sugar multiplies these bacteria. (Just don't use chlorinated water to wash them.) And if you're growing your own cucumbers, avoid spraying the fruits with  Bacillus thuringiensis , or Bt (leaves and vines are OK). It's unclear what effect a big dose of Bt would have on humans. Another benefit of DIY pickles: no emulsifiers like polysorbate 80, which is a common ingredient in pickles. If you have GI problems, it could be from emulsifiers. These sweet-and-sour pickles are the tastiest I've ever made. There's just a little added sugar (some of which the bacteria will consume) and turmeric that gives the pickles their bright color.  Special equipment Quar...

Collagen-filled Low Carb Burritos

Low-carb, grain-free Mexican food is hard to find, but it's easy to make your own at home. This recipe has an authentic ingredient: carne de lengua, or beef tongue. Don't be put off: beef tongue is tender, delicious, and full of collagen. Look for it directly from farmers in your area. To cook it, cut it in 1" to 1-1/2" slices and pressure cook for one hour. Enjoy the delicious broth as a bonus. Ingredients 1 slice cooked beef tongue, peeled and cut into small cubes 1 egg wrap (I use these  from Egglife) 1/4 cup cooked black or pinto beans Chili pepper Oregano Garlic (powdered or minced) Cumin Guacamole (with no emulsifiers) Salsa Shredded cheddar cheese Sour cream or homemade cream cheese  with no emulsifiers  Put the egg wrap on a plate and put the beef and beans down the middle of it. Sprinkle with the herbs and spices. Wrap, turn over and microwave for 1-2 minutes. Spoon salsa over the burrito and sprinkle with cheese. Add guacamole and sour cream or homemade crea...

15% Off Starter Culture

Starter culture for the wonderful cream cheese I made is 15% off for the next two weeks (through June 18, 2025). The shop (BacillusBulgaricus.com) also offers rennet and starter for other cheeses, yogurt, kefir, kombucha, sour cream, fermented vegetables, and more. They ship to 118 countries across six continents. The coupon code is LORI_sekd3tkb at bacillusbulgaricus.com .  Photo from Pexels .

Carrageenan: A Sickening Thickener. Is it a Migraine Menace?

Let me tell you about my ride in an ambulance last night. I woke up at six o'clock from a nap with a mild headache. I ate dinner and took my vitamins, along with a couple of extra magnesium pills. Since magnesium helps my TMJ flare-ups, I thought it might help my headache. Then I went to see my mother. A few hours later, I had a severe headache, sinus pain and nausea. During a brief respite from the pain, I left for home, but less than a mile later, I got out of my car and threw up. A cop, Officer Fisher, pulled up behind me and asked if I was okay. He believed me when he said I hadn't been drinking, but he said I seemed lethargic and he wanted the paramedics to see me. (Later he mentioned that a man he'd recently stopped was having a stroke.) Thinking I had a migraine headache, the paramedics wanted to take me to the hospital. But since I knew that doctors don't know what causes migraine headaches, and I didn't know what effect their medicine would have on m...

Getting Over Palpitations

Note to new readers: please note I'm not a health care provider and have no medical training. If you have heart palpitations, I have no idea whether the following will work for you. Over the past several days, I've had a rough time with heart palpitations and feeling physically jittery. I was wondering if I was going to turn into one of those people who can't sit still. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it would be a major lifestyle change. Kidding aside, something wasn't right and I really needed to get back to normal. I tried popping potassium pills like candy. I ate more. I doubled up on my iron dose. I went to yoga and even got on the treadmill at 6 AM yesterday. I tried the nuclear option of eating more carbs to stop peeing away minerals. Most of these things helped, but the problem kept coming back. A comment from Galina made me look up epinephrine, one of the drugs my surgeon used to anesthetize me Friday. First, the assistant at the surge...